Let's Talk About Sex...

Sex; as a society we’ve made it awfully complicated. For something that’s been around since the beginning of humankind and civilised society itself, we sure have put a lot of rules and caveats on it. Look, I am wholeheartedly onboard with laws that keep sex safe between people – that is non-negotiable – but I take issue with the moral judgement and stigma that comes with talking about sex. It can make it very hard to address issues that may come with having sex.  The reality is that sex should be (and is) fun in whatever form you access it.  So, when it’s not and society tells you “We don’t talk about sex” then you’re not very likely to seek support when it stops being fun.

There are good and bad experiences with sex. Most people are pretty happy to discuss the good parts, but we tend to stay silent when bad experiences occur. Either out of embarrassment, shame, fear, or any other uncomfortable emotion; of which stigma is usually the root cause. Silence breeds suffering – the antidote? Sharing. There is plenty of evidence showing that recovery from sexual trauma is possible when treated appropriately. Additional evidence to show most sexual health concerns or conditions are not only more common than you think but can also be managed. Further evidence to suggest that those little idiosyncrasies about our turn ons maybe aren’t so esoteric or unique to us.

So yes, let’s talk about sex. Here's some important things to know about it:

• There are many different types of sex, not all of it includes intercourse (Nagoski, 2021)

• 45-60% of people fantasise about dominance or submission play (Joyal et al., 2014, Jozifkova, 2018)

• 30% enjoy whipping or spanking (Herbenick et al., 2017)

• 10% explore kink behaviours at some point in their sex life (Joyal and Carpentier, 2016)

• Non-monogamy has been practiced around the world throughout centuries and across many demographics. Estimates have between 2.5 – 20% of people consensually engaging in ethical non-monogamy (Haupert et al., 2017)

• Anorgasmia is pretty common with 42% of women (Nolen-Hoeksema, 2014) and 14% of men (Delavierre, 2008) experiencing difficulties with achieving orgasm. *

• Around 2% of penis owners experience erectile dysfunction under the age of 50, this increases to 50% over that; global prevalence is anywhere between 3-76.5% (Kessler et al., 2019)

• Lots of people experience painful sex (dyspareunia) at some point in their life; 6.5-45% of older women, 14-34% of younger women (Vankveld et al., 2010), and 5-15% of men (Clemens, 2005) *

• 11% of women and 5% of men have reported a sexual assault experience before the age of 15 (ABS, 2017) *

• Whilst more common for men, pornography addiction estimates between 1.2-9.8% (Rissel et al., 2017; de Alarcónet al., 2019)*

As you can guess, sexuality and sexual experiences are varied. Some positive, exciting, and empowering; others are sadly painful, difficult, and traumatic. Our experiences with sex – both direct and indirect – shape our attitudes, beliefs, and scripts about what it should be. Sometimes, we may need to be challenged on these things; or shown that it’s not so bad when we find the thing that suits us.

The fact of the matter is [good] sex is pleasurable, and as human beings we like doing pleasurable things, talking about them, sharing it with other people we care about so they can feel pleasure too. That’s my mission. To talk about it so other people know that there is no shame, you don’t have to be alone, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel where sex can be a pleasurable thing again.

*Language used when referring to studies is reflective of the terms used by researchers.

**We know that not everyone wants to have sex, that’s totally fine. We just want to ensure that those who do, have it the best way they can.